The morning after Jacob told me that he loved me I woke up on cloud 9. I could not believe that he had said it and I just wanted him to say it over and over again. I vividly remember sitting in my first class of the day, Spanish, and hearing my phone buzz in my purse. I probably-not-so-subtly reached into my purse and set my phone in my lap. I snuck a peek at it hoping my teacher wouldn’t see and kick me out of class if she caught me. “I love you. I love you. I love you.” My heart was pounding. I so badly wanted to say it back, but he wouldn’t let me the night before, placing his index finger to my lips saying, “Don’t respond,” and I definitely wasn’t going to do it via text message! So I responded with the all-encompassing smiley face. “:)”
I snuck my phone back into my purse and tried to pay attention for the rest of the class, but my mind was racing. My heart still pounding, I felt such excitement. He loves me. I already knew he did, but hearing him say it was incredible, even via text message. Looking back it seems so silly that I was so excited by those 3 simple words, but I had known people who had said them after 3 weeks and here I was, 14 months into a relationship, hearing them for the first time.
My excitement and joy quickly turned to confusion as I realized that he had waited 14 months to say “I love you,” thinking that I wanted to wait until we got engaged to say it. So then why had he said it the night before? If our engagement was only a few weeks or maybe 1 month away, why wouldn’t have he just waited a few more weeks to say it. And then it hit me. The engagement was not only 1 month away. It was probably 3 or 6 or more. It’s the only explanation for why he would have said it to me. He is trying to pacify me! My confusion turned to anger and hot tears filled my eyes. The class ended just in time. I hurried out, hoping no one would ask me what was wrong and walked straight to the library to be alone. I found a corner and sunk to the ground.
How did I go from waking up with such excitement and joy to sitting in the library alone with tears running down my cheeks? Why does this feel impossible? Why am I in such a rush to be engaged? Why can’t I just enjoy each moment as it comes?
My phone buzzed again. “How are you….. my love? :)”
My love. He loves me. That should be enough right now. That IS enough.
Although I had convinced myself before that I would let go of getting engaged and trying to figure out and control when and how it would happen, this time I truly let it go. I accepted the fact that his declaration of love indicated that the engagement wouldn’t be happening until Christmas at the earliest, and I actually accepted it and decided to just enjoy being his girlfriend and being in love. The only thing I didn’t know is if I would be able to wait until our engagement to tell him those sweet words. Instead of treating it like a waiting game, I decided I would enjoy each moment as it came.
I responded, “So good. Can’t wait to see you tonight. I like you. :)”
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